I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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