I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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