So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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