I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
