i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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