my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Randomize
