I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
