so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
