It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
