dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
