So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
