party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
