do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
