Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
