I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
