Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
