he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
