First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
