Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
this boner is exhausting
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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