found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize