I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
pray to the hookup gods
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
