Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
