1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
