My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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