I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
