Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
