your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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