Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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