i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
