Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
