Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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