Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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