I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
They are going to name an STD after you.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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