Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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