i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
