I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
