Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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