alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
