My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
