I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
