dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
