Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
