so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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