I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
