just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize