sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize