Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
