I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
