I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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