one word: firstdatebathroomanal
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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