Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I want her autograph on my taint
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
