What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
