farters have to be the big spoon...
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
