I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
