They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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