I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
