The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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