I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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