Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize