Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
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