I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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