If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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