i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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