I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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