420 ftw
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
