I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize